


just fabric

by oceandawn



Series: ballum week 2020 [2]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Memory Related
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24624826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceandawn/pseuds/oceandawn
Summary: callum finds the suit from his failed wedding day, and ben doesn't really want to talk about it./ ballum week day 2 - affair
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: ballum week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1779517
Comments: 14
Kudos: 97





	just fabric

**Author's Note:**

> I think i went an odd route with this prompt but i wouldn't have done this day if not for ballumory on tumblr, so thank u for the inspiration!!!

"What's this?" 

Callum's sat on the floor in joggers, and they're searching through old belongings in order to pack and move. They've left it until late, obviously, and the mellow sing song of one of Ben's favourites carries itself through the room.

Ben's had his operation, and it's still a struggle, but they both get by. Callum bought a speaker for him, a cube small enough to fit in his pocket that helps him feel the music rather than the tinny sounds he receives back.

He doesn't hear Callum, too busy focusing on wrapping some old vinyls. They're treasured from the little childhood he had, and Callum's bought him a few new ones since finding the box shoved at the back of his wardrobe.

But this, Callum's fingertips moving over red, silk fabric — this is another mole in the closet entirely. 

It's Ben's wedding suit, the one on the last day in the wake of their affair. The one he wore the day Callum almost married Whitney, and for some reason it's still in Ben's possession.

Callum looks over towards Ben, thumb near the rip in the fabric that metal tore through, threads fraying. He knows it's there, that scar, the memory raising skin years on.

He stands up, taking the suit jacket with him as Ben closes the flaps on another box, going to grab the tape before Callum's legs come into view.

It's heartbreaking, how quickly Ben looks up to him with a smile, excited about the next step in their loving relationship, to the way his eyes drop and his skin pales at the historic fabric held in Callum's hands.

Callum doesn't know what to say. What _is_ there to say?

Ben stands straight again, stepping around the corner of the bed so he's next to Callum. There's a distinct fear in the way his hands lift and press against the fabric. He can't run away from a horrid memory when it's right there, woven and broken between threads.

"Where did you find this?" asks Ben, voice almost as quiet as the music.

Callum points towards the old wardrobe, allowing Ben to look before waiting for him to turn back, "At the back."

Ben swallows, feels resistance in his throat. 

"I thought I threw it away," Ben pokes his finger at the hole in the fabric, a ghostly sting against his chest. "I mean, can't really wear it like that, can I?"

Callum smiles. Trust Ben to make light of a situation that haunts them both in different ways.

He places the jacket down, Ben lingering on it for a moment before turning his focus back to Callum.

Callum begins signing along with talking, and it's so natural now, so _them._ An important part of their relationship.

"It's almost been three years, and I don't think we've ever talked about it."

Ben shrugs, "What is there to talk about? You almost got married, I almost — well. Don't need to mention it." His smile is sour, but Callum can see the pain inked behind it.

Callum knows there's no pushing him, no digging demons he's already buried, but it's not so easy for Callum when he's haunted by what _could_ have happened.

"We might not have been doing this," Callum gestures around them. "I might have even had a kid by now."

Ben shakes his head, placing his hands against Callum's chest, softly, then more firm as he adjusts his collar. Ben doesn't like to think about Callum sending him solemn glances across the Square with his arms around Whitney, pretending — _lying._

Maybe they would've broken each other equally, hushed kisses and hurried escapes because _Whit's on her way home_ if he did get married that day. Ben's not even sure if he would've moved on, or at least he would've tried to. 

"I think I —" Ben bites his lip, trying to word it correctly. "I think we wouldn't have forgotten. We'd still have something."

Callum blinks, lifts his own hands to hold Ben's. Ben can easily read his lips for shorter exchanges.

"You think so?"

"We already kinda' did. You just played hard to get," Ben huffs, remembering the _nothing happened_ and nervous glances every time Ben even _hinted_ at something between them. 

Looking back, it's not all that bad. Love finds itself in strange ways.

Callum rolls his eyes, leaning down to peck his lips once before brushing his thumb against the back of Ben's hand.

"As for the suit," Ben glances towards it again, sadness clearly painted in the shards of his eyes. Callum can see how blue they are this close, but also the dark, hidden horrors he's seen. "I don't know. Maybe I just forgot about it."

In a way, it's a token of strength to say _look how far I've come, look at where I've been and where I am now._

Ben looks back to Callum, then down to his lips, and remembers the countless times Callum's kissed that scar on his chest, placed his fingertips over it and had this — _guilt_ in his eyes as if it was all his fault. Callum still holds it to this day, and maybe some time in the future, Ben will finally get through to him that even if that _did_ happen, where they are now is what matters most.

"What do you want to do with it?" asks Callum, eyes downcast towards Ben's hands.

"Throw it. No use to any of us," Ben breaks from his hands to pick up the fabric, brushing his thumb over the threads. "Can you do it with me?"

Callum nods, arm around his shoulder as they head downstairs. He watches Ben the entire time, Ben's eyes towards the fabric, the way it feels irritating against his skin.

"You looked good in it, though," Callum plants a kiss in his hair as Ben opens the large black bin and throws it inside.

"Ah yeah?"

"That colour suits you," Callum gives one last look to the bin before leading Ben back inside, shutting the door closed with his foot. 

"If you're asking me to do some sort of parallel garbage and wear burgundy on our actual wedding day, then you're having a laugh," Ben nudges his chest, and Callum pretends to look wounded.

But then the words kick in.

Ben is halfway down the hall when he realises Callum isn't beside him. He pauses before turning around, Callum in the kitchen with a shine in his eyes.

He signs; _You'd marry me?_

And Ben feels uneasy in his footing, about to preach it was a choice of words, but it doesn't take him long to realise that's not the case at all.

Because he would. He _will,_ one day.

Ben walks back to him, mission clear in the way he frames Callum's face, fingertips scratching into his hair. They kiss, eyes closed, breaths shallow and exhaled through noses.

Callum opens his eyes after they stop to eyes that say _yes,_ eyes that never want to wake up and see another man if it's not Callum. And he confirms it, lifting Callum's hand, the one a wedding band would shine from with the sun above them, and kisses his ring finger.

"One day," Ben says, gentle as he brings that hand up further, enclosing both his hands around it. They have to get through this step first, moving to their own flat, and then maybe they'll have to think about it, whatever day that may be.

The days could have been so different. Ben could have been sneaking around, buying moments with Callum he can't afford, pretending they're just _mates_ but the mirror image in shadows is one where they can't let go, clinging to each other in heat and passion.

It would have hurt, to have a love that stings, _burns_ because it's not his to hold, but they would've both kept coming back, like clockwork, like seasons in the year, hot and cold.

Maybe in another life they did, and they might not be together right now, but in this life, _this day —_ Ben has him, and Callum has Ben. 

And that's enough. More than enough.

**Author's Note:**

> twitter: oceandawns  
> tumblr: oceandawning


End file.
